A Third visit from the Wise Guys

January 24, 2016 

Tony: Yo Vinny, this guy you know, that Ali Babba knows. The one who shoots pool with your brother?

Luigi: No, I’m pretty sure it’s his brother-in-law…

Denise: Whatever!

Tony: So where should we go to find this guy?

Vinny: Right. First of all, you got to remember we’re dealin’ with a guy, who deals with a lot of guys, got his fingers in a lot of irons in the fire if you know what I mean…

Luigi: We don’t, but keep talking…

Vinny: So, when we meet this guy, it’s all about who you know and how you talk to him. You’ve gotta be pretty careful, know the right things to say, you gotta keep your composure, and remain, how you say, poised, at all times. Situations like this can be delicate, so let me do the talkin’!

All nod.

Vinny: And you! Looking at Luigi. None of your questions!

All walk up to the chancel, where they meet the guy’s doorman.

Vinny: Yo! How you doin”? Me and my friends here are looking for “The Guy.”

Doorman: Which guy? There’s a lotta guys!

Vinny: This guy is the guy Ali Babba knows. The guy who knows where we can score some myrrh.

Denise: Yeah, myrrh, it’s on the list of things we’re sposed to take to this baby shower.

Vinny whispers: I’m doing the talking here!

Doorman: A baby shower, eh? Lemme see this list you talk about

Vinny shows him the list, frankincense is crossed out.

Doorman: Oh, I love those! Frank ‘n’ cheesies! Hey, you know what the best buns are for those? Got some right here, can give you a sweet deal…

Vinny: Right. That’s what you call a “Common misconception.” The word is frankincense, and we already got some.

Doorman: Yeah. Frankincense. I think I know the guy you got that from.

Vinny: That’s the guy! So we’re here to see this other guy. The one who might have some myrrh.

Doorman: How you say that? I think it’s pronounced “Myra,” really nice lady, lives down the street…lemme show you where.

Tony: No, it’s definitely myrrh. I’m sure of it!

Doorman: Oh? You’re sure of it, smart guy?

Vinny: It’s ok, be cool! If you could let the guy know we’re here, looking for myrrh….

Doorman: I’ll check to see if the guy is available. I ain’t makin’ no promises… Exits through door at back of chancel. Wise Guys fidget as they await. Doorman returns.

Doorman: Let me tell you, this is you’re lucky day. I present…The Guy!

Patti enters from Westminster Room. Vinny is speechless, struck dumb. Wise Guys nudge Vinny, trying to get him to say something. Long pause.

Finally, Tony steps forward.

Tony: Greetings and how you say, salutations. I’m speaking on behalf of my chum here, Vinny. Vinny is the guy, who knows the guy, who Ali Babba knows…and unless my eyes deceive me…You’re the guy!

The Guy: I am, as you say, the Guy.

Vinny: slowly regaining his composure…You’re the guy my brother’s brother-in-law shoots pool with Ali Babba knows? You are that guy? I am, how you say, incredulous.

The Guy: Actually, I’m the Guy who bought the franchise from the guy who, yadda yadda yadda

Vinny: Well, let me introduce you to my friends, here’s Tony. This is Denise….now you’re sposed to say, ‘This must be De-Nephew.’

The Guy: That’s not De-Nephew, that’s Luigi…we go way back. Luigi, what are you looking for?

Denise: We’re headed to this baby shower, see and…

Luigi: Yeah, like Denise says, it’s a baby shower and…Tony, show her the list.

Tony, with a flourish shows her the list.

The Guy: You got the frankincense….good. Myrrh, that’s a little hard to find, I could send you down the street…

Denise: We’ve already used the Myra joke too much.

The Guy: Check. Myrrh. Myrrh, that aromatic gum that grows in Arabia and India. It was highly prized in biblical times as a perfume and pain reliever.

Vinny: You know about this stuff? But more importantly—you got any?

The Guy: Does The Guy have myrrh? Vinny, you’re dissing me! As I like to say, “To myrrh is human, to forgive divine.”

Tony: Uh, usually my buddies and I take a dim view of puns, but if you got some of this stuff…

Denise: The myrrh the merrier!

The Guy: Ooh, I’m gonna let that slide. And could you give me another look at that list? I might be able to be of, how you say, further assistance….Gold, hmm…yeah…Here’s a funny story…some of this stuff, very expensive, suffered what we call in the business an F.O.T.

Vinny: You got some F.O.T. gold? Guys, we’re in luck! We are most willing and eager to uh, relieve you this bonanza!

Tony: At this point, I am confused…

Vinny: Keep quiet for two minutes and I’ll explain it all.

The Guy: Here’s your myrrh. Here’s your gold, and I’ll even let you keep this handsome carrying case.

Vinny: Thank you very much.

The Guy: Don’t mention it. I mean that. Do. Not. Mention. It. Capish?

Luigi: Our lips are, how you say, sealed.

Denise: We got everything on the list, we can head to the shower!

Tony: We’re all set…Vinny, you take the frankincense. Denise, you take the myrrh; Luigi, you take the gold. Wait a minute! I can’t go to this baby shower empty handed! Hey Guy, you got anything else?

The Guy: Let me think…I’m all out of frank ‘n’ cheesie buns…how about some of this stuff?

Tony: You know, that stuff goes great on breakfast food, with a little butter, but it’s too hard to pronounce.

The Guy: The only other thing I have in stock is this stuff…

Tony: Dental floss? Now, don’t get me wrong, I am all for good oral hygiene, but I think I’ll pass.

The Guy: Here’s an idea, why don’t you take this walking stick and lead the way? And if you’re truly a Wise Guy, you’ll be the one who asks directions. See, after you take that left turn at Jericho…oh, you’ll figure it out. Good luck and, uh, bon voyage. The Guy exits through the chancel door.

Denise: Let’s hit the road.

Tony: Wait, I’m still curious about this gold. There was some initials with it. Is it like super valuable?

Vinny: No, my friend, F.O.T. stands for “fell off truck.” And no more questions!

All exit.